The hardest step.

I’ve had this thought for sometime that I should start writing. I’ve always loved writing, but when it comes down to it I’m bad at being consistent. I have countless diaries that recount two days of my life followed by empty pages of my forgetfulness and inconsistency. This pattern repeats itself in multiple aspects of my life. I set out to start new journals and projects always telling myself “I’m gonna go for it this time. I’m going to be consistent and it’s going to help me live a fuller and happier life”. When in reality it’s the gung-ho mentality that ultimately causes me to burn out on whatever it is I had set out to accomplish. I’ve had more hobbies than I can count, from photography and making jewelry to film analysis and fire dancing (really I took fire dancing classes last summer). I’ve invested so much energy into these activities over the years and I almost always end up burning out or giving up. This is one of the reasons I’ve been weary to start a blog (or anything for that matter).

My other hesitation comes from my self doubt. Who am I and what makes me so special that people would actually be interested in what I have to say? I doubt myself more than I believe in myself. I’m constantly putting energy into helping others achieve their dreams and find their happiness but I’m never true to myself about what it is that I need to be doing for me. I think I’m scared to admit that I’m at this place where I have no clue what I’m doing with my life. I’m scared, excited, bored, anxious, and exhilarated all at the same time. I’m 21 years old, I graduated college six months ago, I have a degree in something my heart was set on my whole life but now seems meaningless. I’ve wanted to be a performer for as long as I can remember and I was lucky enough to have a mother who supported my dreams and helped me go to performing arts school. But now that I’m finished, the idea of performing causes me stress and anxiety. I hate to say it but art school ruins artists, or at least it did for me. I can probably count the number of times that I’ve sang the past few months, even for my own enjoyment. I’ve fallen out of love with the only thing that has been constant in my life and I don’t know what to do about it.

The one thing I was “certain” about in life is no longer fulfilling. So where do I go from here?

While in college I discovered new things that made me happy, one was cooking and baking. I had never really cooked for myself before, I didn’t know anything about it but I researched, started teaching myself and ended up discovering this whole beautiful world in health food and allergy-friendly baking. I started to bake vegan for fun and eventually ended up becoming vegan myself because I loved how it made me feel. I can’t help but to laugh at that because I used to be that guy who thought vegetarians were stupid,  just being trendy and thought they were better than others. Alas the more you know the more you grow.

I also discovered yoga; With it came a community of like minded individuals who are striving to make a difference in their own lives as well as other’s. I feel more connected to myself through yoga than anything else I’ve tried. I have made connections and friendships that I am grateful for and truly cherish. I know that had I not discovered this world I would be back in Arizona, depressed and not going anywhere with my life (side note: not that I have anything against people who go back home or those who stayed in Arizona. We all have different paths, I’ve just realized is that being there isn’t part of mine at the moment).

So here I am, a young, confused twenty something with a degree in hand wondering what the hell do I do with all of this? Whenever I try to think about my big life plans/goals what constantly comes to mind is that I want to be of service. I want to help others. I don’t know what that means for my future at the moment so I’m trying to figure it out as I go; Taking small steps that will hopefully point me in the “right” direction starting with this blog. This isn’t going to be a typical yoga blog or a baking blog, but a Bobbi blog. A place for me to ramble about my thoughts, hopefully be able to help someone through my story and if I’m lucky figure out what to do with my life. Maybe this will be my first and last post because I’m inconsistent, and I’m okay with that. Because for me starting is the hardest part, and I need to give myself room to try new things and make mistakes because that’s the only way to grow.